Monday, July 26, 2010

Black cloud on sunny days.

I have been struggling with this post for some time now, writing it out in my head.
A while ago I went back and looked over some of my blog posts and discovered that from the sounds of it everything is just peachy here. I don't want to give a false impression of the adoption process both before and after getting our little one home.

Since being home Gavin has done amazingly well. He has been up for the adventure of it all and takes everything in stride. From the actions he has shown us over the last two an a half months there is no doubt in our minds he was well disciplined, well loved, and well cared for. So why am I the one having a rough time with it all.

Part of my problem is that I was so concerned with Gavin's (and the other three kid's) transition that I forgot to consider the one I was going through myself. Going back to the toddler stage has been harder on me then I realized it would be, it has been five years.
The other issue is that I have never had a clingy kid before (this my be hard to believe from many mom's who deal with this, but it's true). My other three kids could go to Sunday School or the babysitter and never care that I was leaving them for a little while. Not so the case with Gavin and yet I totally understand that his history is very different, the mother he knew most of his life is no longer in it and he doesn't know why.

Am I really that selfish that after just under three months I need me some serious ME time. Was I fooling myself thinking I could crawl outside my comfort box, only to now be trying to claw my way back into it.

I do know that when we were pre-China I felt it in my heart that this was God's idea. Now that we are post-China why am I having to remind myself so much who this all started with. When did my heart forget that God is in this.

This is a very difficult post to write in the fact that I don't want to give the impression that I regret the whole adoption, Because I Don't! When Gavin calls for me in the morning as he is waking up or he reaches for me when he needs some comforting I know he's feeling it that I'm his mom, I just need to get there myself. I know it will come.



Kathy said...

Thank you for your honesty. It is hard. Maggie is VERY clingy most of the time and I struggle getting anything done. But, I take it one day at a time and try to enjoy the now. Gavin is adorable by the way ! We didn't have all that "baby" time to get used to having a toddler. It's just like wham ! We have a clingy, toddler and it will take time to get back into the swing of things.

The Vickerman's said...

Marla - I am right there with ya... with our first adoption, i never had post adoption depression but with our 2nd - i have (didn't realize it though until after about 6 months - wished that i would have talked to some other adoptive mamas earlier)... this time around it has been totally different and I've been the one struggling the most! God has revealed to me so much this past year and it hasn't been pretty b/c it's all about me. He's showed me how selfish i can be but most of all He has showed and is teaching me how to love like He does. Maylynn rejected me for so long and still has some bouts but i beleive that she loves me now and has faith in me now - i just need to love her like Jesus loves me. I have come to understand a wee little bit of how He might feel when we turn from Him but He still loves us sooo much no matter what!
It took me about 9 months to figure all this out - so, hang in there... I'll be praying for you:)


ps. let me know if you want to talk - i'd love to! :)

WilxFamily said...

I'm glad you wrote this has put into words some similar feelings that I've been having.

Like the Vickermans...I too need to love Evan the way Christ does. I don't know if it's because he is not on the same "level" as the other kids, if it's becuase it's easier to get to know a 'baby' rather than a child that definitely knows what he does and doesn't want. Not being able to fully communicate with him...and the list goes on.

Well, we both know God placed our boys in our doubt about that, and He will see us through this darker cloud. I rest easy knowing that, and that these feelings won't last forever.

I too put my feelings aside to ensure the solidarity of the rest of the family and kids.

I struggled with bonding to my other two....whom are biological, so this isn't a big surprise, but one, none the less...God must help with.

Glad you shared! You are not alone!

Kristi said...

Hang in there. Ever so slowly God will continue to reveal His hand in your family. And one day you'll look back and wonder if you ever felt this way.
I wouldn't say it if I hadn't lived it myself...
I'm praying for you!

BrOwN CiRcUs said...

Hi Marla,

Although I can't relate to the adjustment, I can relate to your feelings from my own unique struggles. We all have different trials and I am sure Heavenly Father will help and guide you as you pray and trust him. All our relationships are spiritual. Even the Savior had an earthly step father in the idea of family is broad in God's sight. I will add your family in our prayers. Blessings!!!

Wife of the Pres. said...

Happened over here by way of Kathy's blog. I have adopted once before and never had these type of feelings the first time. So imagine my surprise and disappointment in myself when they are here this time. We've been home almost 4 weeks and I do feel a bit in a fog myself.

Definitely feeling the blues and just things not clicking as I thought they would with me and a few of our children. I had the *ideal* in my mind of how the relationships would all go b/t our now 5 children. It hasn't worked out exactly as I planned.

But I am right there with you, reminding myself that God brought us down this path and His plans are GOOD and He will cause the clouds to pass.

I just wrote a post on NHBO about this same thing really. You are certainly not alone!

Janice said...

well written my dear!! I remember after having my 2nd child wondering "what am I doing!?!?!" every stage and season of our lives can tend to be met with kicking and screaming. Case in point - my life lately!! I'm SO GLAD Nathan is alive - but boy, am I weary!!! Love ya lots!!